Tuesday, February 2, 2016

I Have Become The Crazed Dog Mom

I spotted this yesterday. It was posted by a Mom of human kids. She's a well-known mommy blogger. Many people liked, shared and commented on it. As I read it over I thought, "I can relate to this." However, I didn't like or share or respond. My voice as a dog Mom isn't often welcomed in their world. How could I possibly relate to this when my three kids have fur, poop outside and are easily amused with a peanut butter filled bone?

That didn't take away from totally getting it. 

As a work-at-home dog Mom, things don't go as planned. Ever. Quiet time, during the day, is difficult to come by.  If and when all three kids are napping soundly, I work on columns for my blogs or work stuff. When I write, I need quiet.

This is why I stay up all night. When Lisa and the kids are sleeping, that's my quiet time. Yes, 3rd shift sucks, but it's one of the many sacrifices we make as a family. 

During the afternoon, getting a couple hours of quiet time depends on what's going on outside, the disruptions within our home (housework, packaging biscuits, baking, etc) and the weather. If everything works in my favor, and there's quiet, I take full advantage of this time.

I need to confess, at this point, I can become somewhat of an asshole. 

I will purposely avoid all human contact outside. If I feel the need to step outdoors, I look out the window to check for other humans. If there are humans around, I wait. If the kids hear me talking to someone, they'll immediately wake up, start barking and I can kiss my quiet time goodbye.

Our home office is at the front of the house. I can hear the mail truck, UPS or FedEx. When I hear those familiar noises, I stop what I'm doing and make my way to the front porch. I fall to my knees, put my hands together and mouth the word, "NOOOOOOO." I motion for the mail or delivery person to stop. Drop box. Run quietly back to your vehicle.

I tiptoe through the house, especially when I'm near our bedroom door. Two out of our three kids are usually napping in there.

If hunger strikes, I wait. The kids will smell food. Hear wrappers. That's a guaranteed wake-up call for them. I have failed in all efforts to sneak in a snack while they're sleeping. Yes, I have gone so far as to eat crackers and cheese, in an empty bathtub, with the shower curtain and bathroom door closed. Ten minutes later, when I open the door, all three kids are there. Waiting. Giving me THE LOOK.

By this time, Lisa makes her daily lunch break call. My tummy is rumbling. I know she's eating lunch. I get hangry.

I'm 'bout near tempted to make signs for the front and back door.

Maybe, during the warm weather months, I could set up a temporary outdoor office on the front porch and plaster signs on the front lawn. Do. Not. Disturb. Do not rev your engines. Refrain from using loud voices. Do not slam garbage can covers shut. Do not engage in conversation by our windows.

I have become the crazed dog Mom.

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