Friday, December 28, 2018

Wanting To Do Something Is The First Step Of Many...

I'm not a fan of selfies. In fact, my profile picture on Facebook was taken the year we adopted Lobo. That was almost 4 years ago.

Today, I decided to take a selfie. I simply let my hair down. Clipped my hair up in the front. Slathered on a bit of tinted lip gloss. That was it.

The only filter I used was converting the colored photo to black and white.

I adore black and white photos.

This was the best photo out of about 10.

I gazed at the photo for a few minutes.

At least a half dozen times, I said out loud, "I'm a 45 year old Work at Home Dog Mom."

I wasn't saying that because I was having a self absorbed moment of total delusion that I'm a 45 year old D-MILF.

Absolutely not.

Looking at my selfie reminded me of a recent blog post I read by one of my favorite Mommy bloggers who also lives in CT.

Recently, she published a blog column about being present in photos. It's a really great blog column and you should take a few minutes to read

I've always hated having my photo taken. That dates back to when I was a teenager.

At 45 years old, I still hate being in photos. If I do pose for a photo, I tell people, "Please, do not post that online."

I do best behind the lens.

But, I'm learning that's not a good thing.

I have a ton of photos of Lisa with our kids.

There isn't a single photo of me and all of the kids.

I have one of Lobo and I. Sophie and I.

That's pretty much it.

In the past, Lisa has probably asked me several hundred times if she could get photos of the kids and myself.

After a while, she gave up. I can't remember the last time she has asked me.

For about that length of time, I thought nothing of it. I wasn't bothered by the fact that I have less than a dozen photos with myself included.

Today, after looking at my selfie, it bothered me. A lot.

We've lost so many friends and family over the past few years to cancer, other illnesses, and old age.

Lisa and I are not getting younger. She turned 50 in August. I hit the 45 mark earlier this month.

Our kids are getting older too. Coco is going to be 8 soon. Sophie is almost 10. Lobo will be 6. Willa, our youngest, will be 4.

If we were to lose any of our kids, I would regret not being present in a photo with them.

If something were to happen to me, Lisa would be left with very few photos of me, us, and our family as a whole with all of us present in the photos.

When I allowed myself to think about all of that, I got a bit choked up.

I need to change that.

Changing that involves getting over a lot of things. My fear of photos. Being self-conscious about a lot of stuff. The self body hate I acquired as a child because in my dad's eyes, I was always fat. Ridicule. Etc.

That's going to be one thing I focus on in 2019. Because being present isn't just about being in the moment.

It's about being present in photos as well. Without the filters and the bazillion other ways to edit photos to appear flawless from head to feet.

I'm determined.

This is going to be a tough one for me, but I want to do this.

Wanting to do something is the first step of many...

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