Tuesday, July 3, 2018

If You're Within Earshot, You Might Hear Some Funky Stuff Coming Out Of My Mouth

As a Work at Home Dog Mom, I find myself blurting out things that would seem peculiar to those who are not Dog Parents. Most of the people in our "tribe" are Pet Parents so when certain things roll off my tongue, they get it and it's good for a laugh or two. A scattered few, well...they're taken by surprise. I get the look. To be expected. We're used to it.

There was a time when I was super careful about what came out of my mouth and who was within earshot when I said it.

Now, not so much.

Don't be surprised if you hear me say...

"If you hang your coat or hoodie on the back of the kitchen chairs, make sure nothing is hanging to the floor. Lobo likes to pee on any type of fabric that hits the floor."

"If your footwear includes any type of plush fabric, please leave them in the back hallway. Otherwise, Coco will run off with them. Good luck getting 'em back. If you do, they'll be soaked with saliva."

"You don't need to bark at your Aunties and Uncles, Lobo. You've known them for over 3 years."

"Your sister and brothers are crazy, Sophie. We're the only sane ones in our home."

"Must you all pee on the lilac bush?"

"Where's Stinky? Go find Stinky."

"Is Lobo in the Man Cave again?"

"Thank you for licking the cream cheese off my bagel, Sophie."

"Can you kindly reroute the direction of your farts, Coco?"

"Mommy just played a game of fetch with you 4 minutes ago. It's time to rest now."

"Yes, you need to get your nails trimmed."

"You need a bath. You stink."

"Do you really need to bark at a farting squirrel while I'm on the phone?"

"Stop trying to eat the big fluffy bumble bees. They're not tasty snacks."

"No, the toad does not want to play with you."

"Why did you pee on the kitchen floor? You were just outside 5 minutes ago. Seriously?!?!"

"Thank you for converting our new quilted comforter into something that resembles Swiss cheese, Willa. Your personal touch is exquisite."

"This is why I drink wine, swear, and my gray hairs are becoming more prominent."

"Where did you hide Mommy's sneakers and slippers?"

"Is it really necessary to drag all of the dirty clothes and towels out of the bathroom and into the kitchen?"

"Why are you attacking the vacuum?"

"Stop eating flies!"

"Is it really necessary to take all 129 toys out of your toyboxes 10 minutes after I put them away?"

"Mommy loves your little squishy wiggly bum."

"Do you really need 20 minutes to find the perfect spot to poop?"

"You're just kissing my face because I have food."

"No, you can't have snack time every hour."

"It's a broom. Not a monster. Let me sweep."

"Thank you for leaving 56 chew bones and antlers on our bed."

"Would you mind making room on the sofa for me?"

"Well fine, I'll just sit on the floor."

"Mommy has to pee so I need to move you off my lap."

"I'm not going to play fetch with you while I'm sitting on the toilet."

"Stop humping your sister. That is wrong on so many levels."

"Don't pull all the blankets off the sofa. Lobo will pee on them."

"Yes, I just attempted to sneak in the home office with a snack. I'm a bad Mommy."

"Mommy needs a time out."

"It's family snuggle time, kids!"

"Your Mommy's love you to the moon, back and beyond."

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