Friday, September 9, 2016

I'm Guilty Of Falling Off The Wagon

Earlier this evening, after we ate dinner and cleaned up, I was sitting on the home office love seat. It was quiet. I had shut the air conditioner off in the living room. Lobo was on my lap. Coco was curled up beside of me. Sophie was on the new DIY doggy bed Lisa and I made last weekend. Like myself, she appeared to be deep in thought.

Strangely, I was thinking about those moments in life where we fall off the wagon. Diets. New fitness routines. Kicking bad habits. New Year's Resolutions. Reaching goals. Anything that requires a great deal of willpower. Efforts to keep in touch with friends and family more.

I'm guilty of falling off the wagon many times too. Including recently.

This time around, it was staying focused and not getting caught up in the vicious cycle of investing too much time, money, and efforts into something or someone that was going to, in the end, leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

I'm a little angry with myself. Disappointed. I should have taken notice to the obvious much sooner than now. However, the universe shifted a bit. Enough to give me insight and to see things for what they really were.

Ironically, last weekend, putting aside the fact that Lisa was recently diagnosed with Lyme disease, was awesome. I got caught up on a lot of work stuff, we made the DIY doggy bed, I did a lot of writing, and we had a copious amount of family snuggle and movie time.

There was very little stress. I wasn't worried about anything or anyone else except Lisa and the kids. If I did something for someone, it was because I wanted to...not because I felt as if it was expected.

I didn't have the pressure of thinking, "Last week we had her over for dinner twice and delivered several meals and did yard work. This week we've barely done anything for her."

I hate thinking that way, but it was almost a relief.

That relief, among many other things that happened over the past couple of weeks pertaining to the same thing, is what opened my eyes to the reality of the situation.

I'm hurt. It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize someone said all the right things and kept you around because of what you did and provided for them. You never get used to that feeling.

I fell off the wagon. I know this. I own it. Another lesson learned.

The only direction now is forward.

I'm not angry with anyone. I'm not going to be rude or ignore the parties involved. I'm not like that.

People are who they are. I can't change what people say or do or how they treat people. What I can change is how I respond to it and the role I play in said person's life.

What I am going to do is redirect my focus and energy back to where it belongs.

Not to my left. Not to my right.

Face forward. Onward march.

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