Sunday, September 13, 2015

12 Things Only Dog Moms Will Understand

We know plenty of moms to human children. Friends. Acquaintances. Coworkers. Family. Many times, we hear stories of their child's milestones. Or, we're shown a slew of photos of their child covered in frosting after they gorged on a mini baby's 1st birthday cake. On occasion, we might even be present to witness something video worthy like little Tommy drawing his first circle. On the wall. With the contents of his diaper.

While I can grasp the excitement of milestones, tiny celebratory moments, and even the ridiculous happenings that only immediate family members find amusing, there's a world of things I will never fully grasp because of one simple fact. I'm not a mom to human children. Moms to human children are kindred spirits. They are all connected in ways I will never understand.

The same holds true for us dog Moms.  We have a bond that non-dog Moms don't understand. There's an unspoken sense of camaraderie among us.

We just...get it.

1. The dog hair. It's a permanent part of our wardrobe. We don't notice it until someone casually hands us a lint roller. Or, like in our case with 3 light-haired kids, make mention that we should stay away from dark colors. I like dark colors. If the dog hair plastered on the front of my shirt bothers you, there are other points of interest you can look at besides my shirt.

2. At least 50 photos a day. Yesterday I may have taken 10 photos of the kids chewing their bones in harmony on the bed. Today, if the same thing happens, you can bet I'll be snapping more photos.

3. Instant conversations. I've lost count how many times we've been in the cleaning aisle at Walmart or Target and witnessed a human mentally debating which pet-formulated carpet cleaner or pet odor product to purchase. If I see them making a poor choice, I'll speak up.

"That one doesn't work well."


"We have 3 fur-kids. You should try (insert name of product)."

"I've got 2 fur-kids. One is a puppy. The other is 4 years old."

Twenty minutes later, we've shared stories, showed photos of our kids, had a few laughs, and exchanged email addresses.

4. What barking? Other dog Moms and I can hold an entire conversation while our kids are barking. It doesn't hinder the flow of conversation and banter. It's not a distraction.

5. Separate utensils, plates and bowls don't exist in our home. I'm fairly certain our kids have licked every fork, bowl, spoon and salad plate in our home. Non-dog Moms have no qualms informing us how disgusting that is. Their mind frame is, "once licked, it's tainted." Some of these women I have personally witnessed picking a pacifier off the ground, sucking the dirt off and putting it back in their human baby's mouth. Yet they find our kids licking peanut butter off our spoons gross?

6. Certain noises will wake us from a sound sleep. Whether it's easily heard or not, any sound made by our kids, outside of the normal daily kid noises, will bolt us awake from a sound sleep. We can hear that shit from a mile away. It could be a whimper, puking noises, growling or a sneeze. Our Mama ears are hyper-sensitive.

7. Doggy talk. Familiar with baby talk? Moms of human babies have a certain tone and language they use when speaking to their babies. The same goes for dog Moms. I talk more to our kids than I do to other humans. This became apparent when I asked a cashier at Target, "Are you having a rough day? Awwwww. You want a treat and a belly rub?"

8. Approximately 95% off conversations with other humans will be about our kids. Our kids are our world. Our life. Very seldom do we do anything that doesn't involve them in one way or the other. I don't have vacation stories to share or wild stories to tell from a recent night on the town. However, last week, the cutest thing happened. Coco and Lobo stretched out on the Pet Pillow together while gnawing on their chew bones. I'll tell you all about it.

This is probably why we're not invited anywhere or asked to attend crowded functions.

9. Dramatic Cameron-Of-Modern-Family-Screeches in the pet apparel section of any retailer. It happens. A lot. People stare. I can't help it.

10. Speaking up without hesitation. I wouldn't pick up your human baby or give your human kid a piece of candy without the permission of the parent. We expect the same. Don't just assume you can pick up Lobo or Sophie because they're small and cute. Don't assume you can run up to Coco, screaming loudly, to pet him because he's cute too. I will say something before any of the above happens. My voice will will get your attention and you'll get a lecture. From me. From Lisa. Don't like that? Tough shit.

11. Teeth and claw imprints and holes. My entire collection of Crocs clogs and flip flops are decorated with teeth imprints. While none of our kids chew shoes to the point of being unwearable, they will hold them in their mouths. Crocs fall victim to teeth imprints every single time. Various items of my clothing have tiny holes where claws have poked through. Do I throw any of these items away? Nope. Why should I? They're not damaged. Just decorated.

12. Nose art on windows. We happen to prefer nose art over squeaky clean windows.

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