Tuesday, September 1, 2015

10 Not-So-Glamorous Bodacious Dog Mom Moments



It doesn't matter if your a Mom to human kids or fur-kids. It happen. Not-so-glamorous Mom moments. With human kids, maybe it's projectile vomit. Your toddler dropping the F-Bomb in the middle of a crowded store. Or your 5 year-old who asks the curvy waitress if she's pregnant.

I'm only speculating. 

As dog Moms, we have not-so-glamorous moments as well. It happens.

I'm confident our kids would drop the F-Bomb if they could speak in human tongue. Sarcasm and profanity are second languages around here.

1. Dog farts. None of our kids fall into the category of "excessive gassy breeds." That's not to say they don't rip a ripe one every now and then. And, when they do, it always happens when their snuggly bums are on our pillows, close to our face or while napping on our lap. We're almost convinced this is not a coincidence.

2. Vomit locations. In a perfect world, dog vomit would always land on an easy-to-clean surface. Our kids very rarely vomit. If they do, it's because they've eaten too much grass or gobbled their meal or snack too fast. When this happens, without fail, they hurl on the carpet or the comforter on our bed. When all is said and done, they find their way to wherever we are and douse us with their I-just-puked-on-your-blanket-I-love-you-so-much affections.

3. Poopy Paw Prints. Coco and Sohpie, once their leash is taken off, bolt to the bedroom and immediately jump on our bed after going outside. I'm sure Lobo would do the same if he was able to jump on the bed. Once in a blue moon, and undetected by us, they've stepped in poop. I can count on one hand how many times this has happened. We're consistent about keeping the yard cleaned. But, sometimes, a fresh pile becomes an "ink pad" while they're running around. That leads to poopy paw prints on the blankets and several hours of laundry to follow.

4. And Sometimes. Between Point A (outside) and Point B (inside), the poopy paw prints find their way on our shirt.

5. After-Hygiene Kisses. I'll set the stage for you. I'm on the sofa typing a column on my Chromebook. One or both of the boys are laying beside of me. I'm not paying attention to what they're doing. Suddenly, one gets up on my lap and slathers my face with juicy kisses. I hear Lisa giggling. I ask why she's giggling. She informs me that moments before, they had been licking their nether regions. I do have to note, we don't have to worry about this with Sophie. She doesn't lick faces. Her version of a kiss is to put her nose to your skin and snort. Snot spray.

6. Lift Leg And. All of our kids, at one point or another, have visited the home of a friend or family. It never fails. At some point, despite redirection and frequent trips outside, they pee on something indoors. The people in our tribe are canine pet parents. They get it. Conversations don't come to a halt when the bottle of cleaning solution and roll of paper towels are taken out. In the past, when it's happened at locations where it was frowned upon, well...let's just say we haven't gotten an invite back.

7. The Poop Pedi. It never fails. The one or two times during the summer months I don't put my flip flops on to take the kids out, I step in a fresh pile of shit. I don't just step in the pile. I step in the pile. It gets between my toes and covers the entire bottom of my foot. And, as luck would have it, a neighbor stops to chat with me as I'm hobbling towards the door with kid in tow.

8. BarkFest. The kids bark at the usual stuff. Hearing other dogs barking outside. Our upstairs neighbor getting home. Hearing people yell outside or a strange voice close to our house. Someone knocking at the door. During the morning and afternoon, they're quiet. Most of the adults in our neighborhood are at work. The kids are at school. The noise is minimal. Until...I'm on the phone where my full attention and a quiet background is required. That's when a BarkFest commences. In all of its glory and splendor.

9. Sloppy Sneezes. Our kids have a habit of sniffing our faces before they curl up on our lap. A juicy kiss or two follows. Sometimes...a sneeze follows. My glasses are spattered with pup spittle. So is my face. Seconds later, they're curled up on my lap. A pre-nap fart may sneak out. At that point, I can't see out of my glasses, I'm gagging from the stench, but...I don't want to move. They're comfortable. On my lap.

10. Piddle In My Crocs. It's not often Lisa and I leave the house for more than a few hours. Together. When we do, the excitement when we arrive home is nothing I can explain. Although it doesn't happen often, during our noisy, excited, loud, and rambunctious "welcome home" I have felt it. Piddle. On my foot. In my Crocs flip flops. And, it always reminds me of our fur-nephew, sweet baby, Dunkin. When we visited, I'd yell "Dookieeeeee" and he'd come running up the cement path. Piddle art decorating the portion already traveled. And, he'd piddle on me too.

Ah. The joys of being dog Moms. We wouldn't have it any other way.

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